Three days and a ride to the airport separate me from the beginning of this journey. Although, it would be fair to argue that the journey started long ago.
I'm excited/scared/nervous plus twenty other emotions that don't have names to them yet. I've been dealing with some attack - its like I made myself go down, and then the enemy decided to kick me while I was down there. It's been a rough couple of weeks...emotionally, physically, mainly mentally and spiritually. I am constantly reminding myself to take captive harmful/false thoughts...but sometimes it is really hard to do that. It's hard to decipher which thoughts are mine, which thoughts are light, and which thoughts are dark. I know what you're thinking - take those thoughts and line them up to the word, right? Well, that is sometimes easier said than done. I have this tendency to over analyze everything. I can pro and con myself to death - I can dig deep into a one-lined thought and pull out every which way it could go. It's complicated.
This blog is titled "if only for one heart" based on the twenty fourth line of the twentieth chapter of a book about acting...get my drift? This journey is intended to be life changing for more than myself...but I'm extremely open to the fact that maybe only one heart will change...and that the one heart that could be changed is mine. In fact, I know that my heart will change. And I am overwhelmingly ready for that. I want my heart to break. I'm looking forward to laying in bed and sobbing on people's behalfs. I am ready to feel the broken heart of the creator.
I just want to be used. That's all. I don't have expectations - I have hopes. I have no idea what it's going to be like. All I know is that I'm ready for my life to change, and for my life to change other lives. I want to be walking-living-breathing evidence of the love that covers all.
So, deep breath.
Hey Big Dad,
I just want to be used. I know I'm a mess up. I know I don't do a lot of things right. Use this experience to change my heart and open my eyes. You made a way for this one a loooooooong time ago. And you know about all the junk that goes around and around inside my head. Help me to bind those thoughts. Let them be only from you.
And for the hearts that will change - help me to be sensitive to the Help you are sending me.
I am humbled. You are good.
Let it be.
sincere love.
